Monthly Archives: August 2016

Are You Disappointed About Marriage

unduhan-15You and your spouse seemed to have so much in common—before you got married, that is. Now, disillusionment has driven a wedge between you, making you feel more like cell mates than soul mates.

You can improve your relationship. First, though, consider why you might be disillusioned

WHY IT HAPPENS

Reality sets in. The daily routine of working, raising children, and dealing with in-laws can chip away at marital bliss. Additionally, unexpected problems—perhaps a financial setback or caring for a family member who suffers from a chronic illness—can strain a marriage.

Differences seem irreconcilable. While dating, couples tend to overlook differences. Once married, though, a man and woman discover just how unalike they are in such areas as communication styles, money management, and problem solving. Differences that once were merely an annoyance may now seem intolerable.

You have become emotionally distant. Over time, a buildup of unkind words or actions and a backlog of unresolved conflicts can cause a husband or wife to withdraw into an emotional shell or, worse yet, begin to form an emotional attachment with someone else.

Your expectations were unrealistic. Some people walk into marriage believing that they have found the one person they were meant to be with. While that notion may seem romantic, it can be a setup for disaster. As soon as problems arise, the myth of the “perfect match” is shattered, leaving both spouses with the feeling that they made a mistake.

WHAT YOU CAN DO

Focus on your spouse’s good qualities. Try this: Write down three positive qualities that your mate possesses. Keep the list with you, perhaps on the back of a small wedding picture or in a mobile device. Regularly refer to this list as a reminder of why you married your spouse. Focusing on the positive qualities of your mate promotes peace and will help you put up with your differences.—Bible principle:Romans 14:19.

Plan special time together. Before you were married, likely you both set aside time to do things together. Dating was new and exciting, but it was not left to chance. Why not do something similar now? Plan occasions where you and your spouse can spend special times together, as if on a date. Doing so can help you draw closer to each other and enable you to cope better with life’s unexpected problems.—Bible principle: Proverbs 5:18.

Tips To Control Your Traveling

A look at your bank statements and bills reveals that your money is slipping away like sand that slips through your fingers. You have been married for only a short time, and your spending is out of control. Is your spouse to blame? Not so fast! Think as a team, and consider some factors that may have caused both of you to get into this predicament. *

WHY IT HAPPENS

Adjustment. If you were living at home before you got married, you may be new to the world of paying bills and sharing expenses. It could also be that you and your spouse have different approaches to money. For example, one might be more inclined to spend while the other is more inclined to save. It takes time for a couple to adjust and develop an agreed-upon method of handling money.

Procrastination. Jim, now a successful businessman, admits that when he was a newlywed, his poor organizational skills cost him dearly. “Because I delayed paying bills,” he says, “my wife and I ended up spending thousands of dollars in late fees. We ran out of money!”

The “invisible money” trap. It is easy to overspend when you cannot see the money leaving your wallet or purse. That may be the case if you handle most of your transactions by credit or debit card, Internet purchasing, and electronic banking. The lure of easy credit can also make it easy for newlyweds to overspend.

Whatever the cause, money issues can tear at the seams of your marriage. “Most couples report money as a top problem, no matter how much they have,” says the book Fighting for Your Marriage.“Money is a ripe area for conflict.”

WHAT YOU CAN DO

Resolve to cooperate. Instead of blaming each other, work as a team to bring spending under control. Decide at the outset that you will not allow this issue to drive a wedge between you.—Bible principle:Ephesians 4:32.

Set up a budget. Write down all of your expenses, no matter how small, for a month. That will help you to figure out where your money is going and to identify any unnecessary expenditures. “You have to stop the bleeding,” says Jim, quoted earlier. “That’s a saying in medicineand in business.”

Good Listener Is Great For Your Relationship

“You’re not listening to me!” your spouse says. ‘But I was,’ you tell yourself. Evidently, though, what you heard is different from what your spouse said. As a result, another argument erupts.

You can avoid these conflicts. First, though, you need to understand why you might miss important details in what your spouse is saying—even though you think that you are listening.

WHY IT HAPPENS

You are distracted, tired, or both. The kids are yelling, the television is blaring, and you are thinking about a problem you had at work. Now your spouse starts talking to you—something about expecting visitors tonight. You nod “OK,” but did you really hear what was said? Likely not.

You make assumptions. This has been called a damaging form of “mind reading.” You assume that there is a hidden message behind your spouse’s words, when in fact you may be reading too much into the situation. For example, suppose your spouse says: “You’ve spent a lot of extra time at work this week.” Interpreting this as criticism, you say: “It’s not my fault! I have to work extra hours because you are running up our bills.” “I wasn’t blaming you!” shouts your mate—whose original intention was merely to suggest a relaxing weekend together.

You look for solutions prematurely. “Sometimes I just want to express how I feel,” says Marcie, * “but Mike wants to tell me how to fix it. I don’t want to fix it. I just want him to know how I’m feeling.” The problem? Mike’s mind is racing to find a solution. As a result, he will probably miss some or all of what Marcie is saying.

Whatever the cause of the problem, how can you become a better listener?

WHAT YOU CAN DO

Give your complete attention. Your spouse has something important to say, but are you ready to listen? Perhaps not. Your mind may be on other things just now. If so, do not pretend to listen. If possible, put aside what you are doing and give your mate your full attention, or perhaps you could ask your mate to wait until you are able to do so.—Bible principle: James 1:19.

Agree to speak one at a time. When it is your turn to listen, resist the urge to interrupt or disagree. You will get your turn to speak. For now, just listen.—Bible principle: Proverbs 18:13.

Ask questions. This will make you better able to understand what your mate is saying. Marcie, quoted earlier, says: “I love it when Mike asks questions. It shows me that he’s interested in what I’m saying.”

Listen for the message, not just the words. Note what is conveyed by body language, eye movement, and tone of voice. “That’s fine” might really mean “That’s not fine”—depending on how it is said. “You never offer to help me” might really mean “I feel I’m not important to you.” Try to get the real message, even if it is not spoken. Otherwise, you may end up debating over what was said instead of focusing on what was meant.

Keep listening. Do not tune out or walk away, even if what you are hearing displeases you. For example, what if your mate is criticizing you? “Keep listening,” advises Gregory, who has been married for over 60 years. “Give genuine consideration to what your mate is saying. This takes a measure of maturity, but it pays off.