Are You Disappointed About Marriage

unduhan-15You and your spouse seemed to have so much in common—before you got married, that is. Now, disillusionment has driven a wedge between you, making you feel more like cell mates than soul mates.

You can improve your relationship. First, though, consider why you might be disillusioned

WHY IT HAPPENS

Reality sets in. The daily routine of working, raising children, and dealing with in-laws can chip away at marital bliss. Additionally, unexpected problems—perhaps a financial setback or caring for a family member who suffers from a chronic illness—can strain a marriage.

Differences seem irreconcilable. While dating, couples tend to overlook differences. Once married, though, a man and woman discover just how unalike they are in such areas as communication styles, money management, and problem solving. Differences that once were merely an annoyance may now seem intolerable.

You have become emotionally distant. Over time, a buildup of unkind words or actions and a backlog of unresolved conflicts can cause a husband or wife to withdraw into an emotional shell or, worse yet, begin to form an emotional attachment with someone else.

Your expectations were unrealistic. Some people walk into marriage believing that they have found the one person they were meant to be with. While that notion may seem romantic, it can be a setup for disaster. As soon as problems arise, the myth of the “perfect match” is shattered, leaving both spouses with the feeling that they made a mistake.

WHAT YOU CAN DO

Focus on your spouse’s good qualities. Try this: Write down three positive qualities that your mate possesses. Keep the list with you, perhaps on the back of a small wedding picture or in a mobile device. Regularly refer to this list as a reminder of why you married your spouse. Focusing on the positive qualities of your mate promotes peace and will help you put up with your differences.—Bible principle:Romans 14:19.

Plan special time together. Before you were married, likely you both set aside time to do things together. Dating was new and exciting, but it was not left to chance. Why not do something similar now? Plan occasions where you and your spouse can spend special times together, as if on a date. Doing so can help you draw closer to each other and enable you to cope better with life’s unexpected problems.—Bible principle: Proverbs 5:18.

The right way tips to discuss the problem

unduhan-14When you and your spouse discuss a problem, do you seem to end up further apart than when you started the conversation? If so, you can improve the situation. First, though, there are a few things you should know about the different communication styles of men and women. * please use Vimax for your mine

WHAT YOU SHOULD KNOW

Women usually prefer to talk out a problem before hearing a solution. In fact, sometimes talking is the solution.

“I feel better when I have expressed my feelings and know that my husband understands me. After I talk about it, I’m over it—usually within just minutes after the conversation.”—Sirppa. *

“I can’t move on if I don’t have a chance to explain to my husband exactly how I feel. Talking it out is a form of closure for me.”—Ae-Jin.

“It’s like detective work. As I talk, I’m analyzing each step of the problem and trying to get to the root of it.”—Lurdes.

Men tend to think in terms of solutions. That is understandable because fixing things makes a man feel useful. Offering solutions is his way of showing his wife that she can rely on him for help. So husbands are baffled when their solutions are not readily accepted. “I can’t understand why you would talk about a problem if you didn’t want a solution!” says a husband named Kirk.

But “understanding must precede advice,” warns the book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. “You have to let your partner know that you fully  understand and empathize with the dilemma before you suggest a solution. Oftentimes your spouse isn’t asking you to come up with a solution at all—just to be a good listener.”

WHAT YOU CAN DO

For husbands: Practice empathetic listening. A husband named Tomás says: “Sometimes after listening I think to myself, ‘That didn’t accomplish anything.’ But often that’s all my wife needs—a listening ear.” A husband named Stephen would agree. “I find it best to let my wife express herself without interrupting,” he says. “More often than not, she finishes and tells me she feels a lot better.” with Vimax Asli you can make better for your vitality

Try this: The next time you discuss a problem with your wife, resist the urge to give unsolicited advice. Make eye contact, and focus on what she is saying. Nod in agreement. Repeat the gist of what she says to show that you get the point. “Sometimes my wife just needs to know that I understand her and that I’m on her side,” says a husband named Charles.Bible principle: James 1:19.

For wives: Say what you need. “We might expect our spouse to know just what we need,” says a wife named Eleni, “but sometimes we do have to spell it out.” A wife named Ynez suggests this approach: “I could say, ‘Something is bothering me, and I would like you to hear me out. I don’t need you to fix it, but I would like you to understand how I feel.’” read more about Vimax Asli Canada

Try this: If your husband prematurely offers solutions, do not conclude that he is being insensitive. Likely he is trying to lighten your load. “Instead of getting annoyed,” says a wife named Ester, “I try to realize that my husband does care and wants to listen but that he also just wants to help.”Bible principle: Romans 12:10.

For both: We tend to treat others the way we want to be treated. However, to discuss problems effectively, you need to consider howyour spouse would like to be treated. (1 Corinthians 10:24) A husband named Miguel puts it this way: “If you are a husband, be willing to listen. If you are a wife, be willing to hear solutions once in a while. When you meet in the middle, both spouses benefit.

The great one for your relationship is respect each other

images-8The husband says: “When we got married, my wife and I had different views on what it meant to show respect. Not that one view was right and the other was wrong—they were just different. I often felt that my wife should have been more respectful in the way she spoke to me.”

The wife says: “Part of the culture in which I was raised included speaking loudly, using dramatic facial expressions, and interrupting when others were speaking. We didn’t view that as disrespectful. But that’s a completely different atmosphere from the one in which my husband was raised.”

Respect in marriage is not a luxury; it is a necessity. How can you show that you respect your mate?

WHAT YOU SHOULD KNOW

Men have a particular need for respect. The Bible tells husbands: “Each one of you must love his wife as he does himself.” But then it adds: “The wife should have deep respect for her husband.” (Ephesians 5:33) While both wives and husbands need to feel loved and respected, husbands especially thrive on respect. “Men need to feel that they can handle situations, solve problems, and take care of the family,” says a husband named Carlos. * When a wife respects her husband for such capabilities, she benefits not only her husband but also herself. “My husband actually shows his love for me more when I show that I respect him,” says a wife named Corrine.

Of course, wives need respect too. That makes sense because a husband cannot truly love a wife whom he does not respect. “I need to respect my wife’s opinions and suggestions,” says Daniel. “I also need to respect her emotions. My not understanding why she feels a certain way does not mean I can dismiss how she feels.”

Respect is in the eye of the beholder. The issue is, not whether youthink you show respect, but whether your mate feels respected. This is a lesson learned by the wife quoted at the outset under the heading “The Challenge.” “Even if I didn’t think I was being disrespectful, if I made my husband feel that I was, then I was the one who needed to change.”

 WHAT YOU CAN DO

  • Write down three things that you admire about your husband or wife. The admirable traits that you identify can be the foundation upon which to build respect.

  • For one week, track your conduct (not that of your spouse) in the following areas.

Your words. One study of couples found that “spouses in happy, stable marriages made five positive remarks for every one negative remark when they were discussing conflict. In contrast, couples headed for divorce offered less than one (0.8) positive remark for every single negative remark.” *Bible principle: Proverbs 12:18.

Ask yourself: ‘Do I speak respectfully to my mate? How often do I criticize compared with how often I give a compliment? What is the tone of my voice when I have an observation or a complaint?’ Would your spouse agree with your answers?Bible principle: Colossians 3:13.

Try this: Set a goal to give your husband or wife at least one compliment per day. Suggestion: Look back at the admirable traits you identified earlier. Get into the habit of telling your mate what you admire about him or her.Bible principle: 1 Corinthians 8:1.

Your actions. A wife named Alicia says: “I spend a lot of time doing housework, and when my husband respects my efforts by picking up after himself or washing his own dishes, I feel that my efforts are worthwhile and that I am important to our marriage.”

Ask yourself: ‘Does the way I treat my spouse clearly convey my respect? Do I give my spouse adequate time and attention?’ Would your spouse agree with your answers?

Try this: Write down three ways that you would like to be shown respect. Have your mate do the same. Then exchange lists so that each of you can work on showing respect in the areas that were specified. Focus on your own need to show respect. When one takes the lead, the other is likely to follow.

Tips To Control Your Traveling

A look at your bank statements and bills reveals that your money is slipping away like sand that slips through your fingers. You have been married for only a short time, and your spending is out of control. Is your spouse to blame? Not so fast! Think as a team, and consider some factors that may have caused both of you to get into this predicament. *

WHY IT HAPPENS

Adjustment. If you were living at home before you got married, you may be new to the world of paying bills and sharing expenses. It could also be that you and your spouse have different approaches to money. For example, one might be more inclined to spend while the other is more inclined to save. It takes time for a couple to adjust and develop an agreed-upon method of handling money.

Procrastination. Jim, now a successful businessman, admits that when he was a newlywed, his poor organizational skills cost him dearly. “Because I delayed paying bills,” he says, “my wife and I ended up spending thousands of dollars in late fees. We ran out of money!”

The “invisible money” trap. It is easy to overspend when you cannot see the money leaving your wallet or purse. That may be the case if you handle most of your transactions by credit or debit card, Internet purchasing, and electronic banking. The lure of easy credit can also make it easy for newlyweds to overspend.

Whatever the cause, money issues can tear at the seams of your marriage. “Most couples report money as a top problem, no matter how much they have,” says the book Fighting for Your Marriage.“Money is a ripe area for conflict.”

WHAT YOU CAN DO

Resolve to cooperate. Instead of blaming each other, work as a team to bring spending under control. Decide at the outset that you will not allow this issue to drive a wedge between you.—Bible principle:Ephesians 4:32.

Set up a budget. Write down all of your expenses, no matter how small, for a month. That will help you to figure out where your money is going and to identify any unnecessary expenditures. “You have to stop the bleeding,” says Jim, quoted earlier. “That’s a saying in medicineand in business.”

Good Listener Is Great For Your Relationship

“You’re not listening to me!” your spouse says. ‘But I was,’ you tell yourself. Evidently, though, what you heard is different from what your spouse said. As a result, another argument erupts.

You can avoid these conflicts. First, though, you need to understand why you might miss important details in what your spouse is saying—even though you think that you are listening.

WHY IT HAPPENS

You are distracted, tired, or both. The kids are yelling, the television is blaring, and you are thinking about a problem you had at work. Now your spouse starts talking to you—something about expecting visitors tonight. You nod “OK,” but did you really hear what was said? Likely not.

You make assumptions. This has been called a damaging form of “mind reading.” You assume that there is a hidden message behind your spouse’s words, when in fact you may be reading too much into the situation. For example, suppose your spouse says: “You’ve spent a lot of extra time at work this week.” Interpreting this as criticism, you say: “It’s not my fault! I have to work extra hours because you are running up our bills.” “I wasn’t blaming you!” shouts your mate—whose original intention was merely to suggest a relaxing weekend together.

You look for solutions prematurely. “Sometimes I just want to express how I feel,” says Marcie, * “but Mike wants to tell me how to fix it. I don’t want to fix it. I just want him to know how I’m feeling.” The problem? Mike’s mind is racing to find a solution. As a result, he will probably miss some or all of what Marcie is saying.

Whatever the cause of the problem, how can you become a better listener?

WHAT YOU CAN DO

Give your complete attention. Your spouse has something important to say, but are you ready to listen? Perhaps not. Your mind may be on other things just now. If so, do not pretend to listen. If possible, put aside what you are doing and give your mate your full attention, or perhaps you could ask your mate to wait until you are able to do so.—Bible principle: James 1:19.

Agree to speak one at a time. When it is your turn to listen, resist the urge to interrupt or disagree. You will get your turn to speak. For now, just listen.—Bible principle: Proverbs 18:13.

Ask questions. This will make you better able to understand what your mate is saying. Marcie, quoted earlier, says: “I love it when Mike asks questions. It shows me that he’s interested in what I’m saying.”

Listen for the message, not just the words. Note what is conveyed by body language, eye movement, and tone of voice. “That’s fine” might really mean “That’s not fine”—depending on how it is said. “You never offer to help me” might really mean “I feel I’m not important to you.” Try to get the real message, even if it is not spoken. Otherwise, you may end up debating over what was said instead of focusing on what was meant.

Keep listening. Do not tune out or walk away, even if what you are hearing displeases you. For example, what if your mate is criticizing you? “Keep listening,” advises Gregory, who has been married for over 60 years. “Give genuine consideration to what your mate is saying. This takes a measure of maturity, but it pays off.

Know what is the different on you relationship

You enjoy sports, your spouse would rather read. You are meticulous and efficient; your spouse is quite disorganized. You love to socialize; your spouse prefers privacy.

‘We just aren’t compatible!’ you tell yourself. ‘Why didn’t we notice that when we were dating?’

Likely you did notice it, at least to a degree. But back then you were probably quicker to make concessions—a skill that you would do well to revive, now that you are married. This article will help you do that. First, though, consider some facts about supposed incompatibilities.

WHAT YOU SHOULD KNOW

Some differences are serious. A big part of dating is determining compatibility. Hence, when serious differences are discovered while dating, many couples break up rather than unwisely entering into a polarized marriage. But what about less serious differences—the kind that are unavoidable in any marriage?

No two people are completely alike. Therefore, it is normal for spouses to have differences in one or more of the following areas:

Interests. “Outdoor activities have never appealed to me,” says a wife named Anna, * “but my husband grew up climbing snowy mountains and trekking for days through the bush.”

Habits. “My wife can stay up late at night and still jump up at 5:00 a.m., but I need seven to eight hours of sleep or else I get grumpy,” says a husband named Brian.

Traits. You might be reserved, while your spouse is expressive. “I grew up not talking about my personal problems,” says a husband named David, “but my wife came from a family where everything was discussed openly.”

Differences can be beneficial. “My way might be good, but that doesn’t mean it’s the only way,” says a wife named Helena

WHAT YOU CAN DO

Be supportive. A husband named Adam says: “My wife Karen has zero interest in sports. But she has come with me to several games and has even cheered along with me. On the other hand, Karen loves art museums, so I go with her, and we spend as much time there as she wants. I do my best to show an interest in art because it’s important to her.”Bible principle: 1 Corinthians 10:24.

Expand your view. Your spouse’s outlook on things is not necessarily wrong just because it is different from yours. That is a lesson that a husband named Alex learned. “I always felt that a straight line is the shortest way from point A to point B and that any other choice would be deficient,” he says. “But being married has helped me to realize that there are many ways to get from A to B and that each method is effective in its own way.”Bible principle: 1 Peter 5:5.

Be realistic. Being compatible does not mean being identical. So do not conclude that your marriage was a mistake simply because a few differences have become evident. “Lots of people fall back on ‘I was blinded by love,’” says the book The Case Against Divorce. However, “every day you spent together happy,” continues the book, “shows that despite whatever innate differences you have, you can love each other.” Try to “continue putting up with one another . . . even if anyone has a cause for complaint.”—Colossians 3:13.

Try this: Write down what you like, love, and find compatible about your spouse. Then write down the things that you find incompatible. You may find that your differences are less serious than you think. The list will also reveal where you can be more tolerant or supportive of your spouse. “I appreciate it when my wife adjusts to me, and I know she appreciates it when I adjust to her,” says a husband named Kenneth. “Even if it means a sacrifice on my part, seeing her happy makes me happy.

Compromise Tips

You and your spouse have different preferences on something. Realistically, you have at least three options:

  1. You could stubbornly insist until you get your way.

  2. You could passively surrender to your spouse’s wishes.

  3. Both of you could compromise.

‘But I don’t like the idea of compromise,’ you might say. ‘It sounds as ifneither of us will get what we want!’

Be assured that compromise need not be a lose-lose proposition—not if you do it right. But before considering how to compromise, there are a few things you should know about this vital skill.

WHAT YOU SHOULD KNOW

Compromise requires teamwork. Before marriage, you might have been accustomed to making unilateral decisions. Now things have changed, and both you and your spouse must put your marriage above your personal preferences. Rather than think of that as a drawback, consider the advantage. “The ideas of two people combined can lead to a solution that is better than what each one could come up with alone,” says a wife named Alexandra.

Compromise requires an open mind. “You don’t have to agree with everything your spouse says or believes, but you have to be honestly open to considering his or her position,” writes marriage counselor John M. Gottman. “If you find yourself sitting with your arms folded and shaking your head no (or just thinking it) when your spouse is trying to talk out a problem with you, your discussion will never get anywhere.” *

Compromise requires self-sacrifice. No one enjoys living with a spouse who believes “it’s either my way or the highway.” It is far better when both partners have a self-sacrificing disposition. “There are times when I yield to my husband to make him happy, but at times he does the same for me,” says a wife named June. “That’s what marriage should be about—give and take, not just take.”

WHAT YOU CAN DO

Start right. The tone in which a discussion begins is often the tone in which it ends. If you start with harsh words, the chances of reaching a peaceful compromise are slim. So follow the Bible’s advice: “Clothe yourselves with . . . compassion, kindness, humility, mildness, and patience.” (Colossians 3:12) Such qualities will help you and your spouse to avoid arguing and get down to the work of problem solving.—Bible principle: Colossians 4:6.

Search for common ground. If your attempts at compromise only escalate into heated arguments, it may be that you and your spouse are focusing too much on where your views differ. Instead, pinpoint where they agree. To help you find common ground, try this:

Each of you make a two-column list. In the first column, write down which aspects of the issue you feel most strongly about. In the second column, list the aspects on which you feel that you could compromise. Then discuss your lists together. You might find that the aspects that you both feel strongest about are not really all that incompatible. If so, compromise should not be too difficult. Even if they are incompatible, having all aspects of the matter on paper will help you and your spouse to see the issue more clearly.

Easy step to get back your ex

Breaking up Sucks! Everyone has the same advice,  just forget your ex and move on. But that’s not always easy, is it?

Sometimes, you want to fight for the relationship. Sometimes you just know deep in your heart that if only you couldget another chance with your ex, things would work out. Sometimes, you just can’t close that chapter unless you get another try.

If you think this is one of those times then you are in the right place. This guide is all about getting that one last chance to make things right. This guide will give you the knowledge that you need to get your ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend back and keep them. If your relationship still doesn’t work, then you can rest assured that this relationship wasn’t meant to be. But if it works, you will be glad that you took the time to read these 3 steps.

These 3 steps are based on simple psychological techniques that work extremely well after a breakup. It’s not some mind tricks and cheap gimmicks that you will use to trick your ex into getting back together. If you are planning to trick your ex or force them into being with you, you are just going to end up in another miserable breakup. This guide will teach you how to start a new relationship with your ex; a relationship that actually has a chance of being a long lasting healthy relationship. Not the same old one which ended in this breakup.

The first step, of this guide is to understand the biggest mistakes that people make after a breakup and AVOID THEM. Doing these mistakes will not only drive your ex further away. They will also make you feel rejected and unworthy.

Being Needy and Begging
It’s one of the most common reactions to the breakup. If someone has decided to breakup with you, begging is not going to change their mind.

Begging and pleading makes you look like a needy person. And that is unattractive, very unattractive.

Do you think they want to breakup because they want you to beg them to take them back? Nobody wants to be with a needy person. And even if your begging worked, it’s going to lead to a relationship where you will end up being a doormat.

 

The Doormat Syndrome

It comes right after begging and pleading; accepting everything while throwing your self-worth away in the trashcan (aka Doormat Syndrome). You agree everything your ex wants without even considering your happiness.

Don’t Let Them Walk All Over You

You put your self-worth, your happiness, your dreams and your entire life on the back burner just so you could be with your ex. Sometimes, people do it just to hold on to the possibility of being with their ex in the future. It’s a direct consequence of begging and pleading. It makes your ex think “Well, if you are that desperate to be with me, then you must accept everything that I want.

In most cases, if you agree to be a doormat, your ex will keep you around to satisfy their emotional or sexual needs, but they won’t commit to you.

If they do commit to you, it will probably be an unhappy, smothering or even abusive relationship.

And you know what happens to a relationship where one person is a doormat? They end. Sooner or later they all end. If you want to get your ex back and give it a real chance, please do not become doormat.

 

The Phone Catastrophe

.

There are so many ways to contact a person these days, it’s almost ridiculous. You can call them, text them, facebook them, tweet them, and so much other stuff. And this comfortable technology leads to one of the worst mistakes people make after a breakup, texting their ex all the time (sometimes hundreds to thousands of texts a day).

Just imagine a scenario where you don’t want to talk to a person and they are sending you a text message every 5 minutes. Your inbox is filled with hundreds of messages by them, even though you haven’t replied to even one. And later on at night, that person gets drunk and calls you and start saying complete and utter non-sense. What would you think of that person? Would it make you want to start a new relationship with them?

Texting your ex all the time and calling them drunk is only going to make them less attracted to you. If you want to win your ex back, you’ve got to give them some time alone. You also need to give yourself some time without your ex. And calling and texting is not going to help anyone.

Strengthen Commitment Tips To Great

On the day you got married, you made a vow. That solemn promise was a lifelong commitment—a firm resolve to stick with your spouse and solve problems that would arise.

Over the years, however, the wear and tear of marital conflict has taken its toll. Do you still feel as strongly committed to your mate?

WHAT YOU SHOULD KNOW

Commitment is the solution, not the problem. Many people today are skeptical of commitment. Some would compare commitment to a ball and chain that shackles you to a bad decision. Instead, think of it as an anchor that can keep your marriage steady. A wife named Megan says, “During a conflict, one of the best things about commitment is knowing that neither you nor your spouse is leaving.” *Having confidence that the marriage itself is secure—even when certain aspects of it are in turmoil—can give you a foundation from which to resolve your problems.—See the box “ Commitment and Loyalty.”

The bottom line: If you are experiencing problems in your marriage, now is the time to strengthen commitment, not question it. How can you do that?

WHAT YOU CAN DO

Examine your view. “Married for life.” Does that phrase make you feel trapped, or does it make you feel secure? When problems arise, does leaving always loom on the horizon as a viable option? To strengthen your commitment, it is essential that you view marriage as a permanent union.—Bible principle: Matthew 19:6.

Examine your history. Your view of commitment might be influenced by what you observed in your parents. “My parents divorced when I was growing up,” says a wife named Lea, “and I worry that their experience may have left me with a negative view of commitment.” Be assured that you can make things different in your own marriage. You are not doomed to repeat your parents’ mistakes!—Bible principle:Galatians 6:4, 5.

Examine your speech. In the heat of a disagreement with your spouse, refrain from saying things that you will later regret, such as “I’m leaving you!” or, “I’m going to find someone who appreciates me!” Such statements undermine commitment, and rather than address the issue at hand, they merely involve the two of you in an onslaught of insults. Instead of using hurtful speech, you might say something like this: “Obviously, we’re both upset. How can we work together to resolve this problem?”—Bible principle: Proverbs 12:18.

Send out clear ‘commitment signals.’ Keep a photo of your spouse on your desk at work. Talk positively about your marriage to others. Make it a goal to call your spouse each day while you are away. Frequently talk about “we,” and use phrases such as “my wife and I” or “my husband and I.” By such actions, you will emphasize to others—and to yourself—that you are committed to your spouse.

Find healthy role models. Look to mature couples who have weathered marital problems successfully. Ask them, “What does commitment mean to you, and how has it helped you in your marriage?” The Bible says: “As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens his friend.” (Proverbs 27:17) With that principle in mind, why not benefit from the advice of those who have made their marriage a success?

Law for your relationship

“When we were going through a difficult time, my wife told her parents about it. Then her father called me to give me advice about the situation. I wasn’t very happy about that!”—James. *

“My mother-in-law will often say, ‘I miss my boy so much!’ She talks about how close they were, which makes me feel guilty for marrying him and causing her all this heartache!”—Natasha.

Is it possible to keep an in-law problem from becoming a marriage problem?

WHAT YOU SHOULD KNOW

Marriage creates a new family unit. The Bible says that a man who marries “will leave his father and his mother and will stick to his wife.” The same is true of a wife regarding her parents and husband. When she marries, the Bible says, the two become “one flesh.” They are a new family unit.—Matthew 19:5.

Your marriage comes before your parents. “One of the basic tasks of a marriage is to establish a sense of ‘we-ness’ between husband and wife,” writes counselor John M. Gottman. “Creating or renewing your sense of solidarity with your spouse may involve some rending and tearing away from your primary families.” *

Some parents may find it difficult to adjust. One young husband relates: “Before getting married, my wife would always put priority on her parents’ wishes. After we were married, her mother saw that someone else came first. That wasn’t easy for her to accept.”

Some newlyweds may find it difficult too. “Having in-laws is not like having friends you chose,” says James, quoted earlier. “It’s as though someone said, ‘You have two new friends, whether you like it or not.’ Even if they drive you crazy, they’re family!”

WHAT YOU CAN DO

If you and your spouse are at odds over an in-law situation, work to resolve issues in a spirit of cooperation. Follow the Bible’s advice to “seek peace and pursue it.”—Psalm 34:14.

To help you do that, consider the following scenarios. Each is presented from the perspective of either the husband or the wife. However, the challenges really apply to either gender, and the principles discussed can help you resolve a number of in-law issues.

Your wife says she wishes you had a better relationship with her mother. But you find her mother difficult to deal with.

Try this: Discuss the problem with your wife, and be willing to make concessions. The issue is, not how you feel about your mother-in-law, but how you feel about your spouse—the person whom you have vowed to love. Come away from the discussion with one or two specific ways that you could improve your relationship with her mother, and then follow through. As your wife notices your efforts, her respect for you will undoubtedly grow.—Bible principle: 1 Corinthians 10:24.

Your husband says that you are more interested in pleasing your parents than in pleasing him.

Try this: Discuss the problem with your husband, and try to see it from his point of view. Of course, your husband should not feel threatened if you are simply giving due honor to your parents. (Proverbs 23:22) Still, you might need to reassure him—by your words and actions—that he comes before your parents in your life. If your husband has that confidence, he will be less likely to feel that he is competing with your parents for your attention.—Bible principle: Ephesians 5:33.

Your wife goes to her parents for advice rather than to you.

Try this: Talk with your wife, and reach an agreement on where the boundaries should be set. Strive to be reasonable. Is it always wrong to talk to a parent about a concern? When might it be appropriate? If you both agree on reasonable boundaries, this issue does not have to be a problem.—Bible principle: Philippians 4:5.

Parents On Relationship

The Challenge

When you and your spouse argue, you often bring up the past, rehashing a list of old grievances that should have been settled long ago. The problem? One or both of you may not know how to forgive.

You can learn. First, though, consider why a husband and wife may find it so difficult to forgive each other

WHY IT HAPPENS

Power. Some husbands and wives withhold forgiveness to maintain a sort of power over their spouse. Then, when a conflict arises, they use a past event as a trump card to gain the upper hand.

Resentment. The scars of a past offense can take a long time to heal. A spouse might say ‘I forgive you’ but still harbor resentment for what happened—perhaps craving to get even.

Disappointment. Some people enter marriage fully believing that life will be like a fairy-tale romance. So when a disagreement arises, they dig in their heels, wondering just how their “perfect match” could possibly see things from a different point of view. Unrealistic expectations can make a person more prone to find fault and less inclined to forgive.

Misunderstanding. Many spouses withhold forgiveness because they misunderstand what extending it will mean. For example:

If I forgive, I am minimizing the wrong.

If I forgive, I have to forget what happened.

If I forgive, I am inviting further mistreatment.

Really, forgiving does not imply any of the foregoing. Still, extending forgiveness can be difficult—especially in the close relationship between husband and wife.

WHAT YOU CAN DO

Understand what forgiveness involves. In the Bible, at times the word “forgive” means “let go.” So forgiveness does not always require that you forget what happened or minimize the wrong. Sometimes it means that you simply need to let go of a matter, for your own well-being and that of your marriage.

Recognize the consequences of not forgiving. Some experts say that holding on to resentment can put you at greater risk for a wide range of physical and emotional problems, including depression and high blood pressure—not to mention the damage it does to your marriage. For good reason, the Bible says: “Become kind to one another, tenderly compassionate, freely forgiving one another.”—Ephesians 4:32.

Recognize the benefits of forgiving. A spirit of forgiveness allows you and your mate to give each other the benefit of the doubt rather than to “keep score” of wrongs. That, in turn, helps you to create an environment that keeps resentment in check and allows love to grow.Bible principle: Colossians 3:13.

Be realistic. It is easier to be forgiving when you accept your spouse for who he or she is, flaws and all. “When you focus on what you didn’t get, it’s too easy to forget all of what you did get,” says the bookFighting for Your Marriage. “Which list do you want to dwell on at this point in life?” Remember, no one is perfect—including you.Bible principle: James 3:2.

Be reasonable. The next time you are offended by something that your spouse said or did, ask yourself: ‘Is the situation really that important? Do I need to demand an apology, or can I just overlook what happened and move on?’Bible principle: 1 Peter 4:8.

If necessary, discuss the matter. Calmly explain what offended you and why it made you feel that way. Do not impute bad motives or make dogmatic statements, since these will only put your spouse on the defensive. Instead, simply relate how your spouse’s actions affected you.